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Shame in connection
with a low self-esteem cannot be corrected by the intellect.
Explanations
(as given in this text) are not sufficient for the most part. At least,
information of interrelations often reduce the feeling of being completely
helpless.
Besides,
information finally gives you the experience of being accepted and
understood just “the way you are” for the very first time.
In
every way cure needs healing experiences as there are especially:
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Self-esteem
of oneself together with one’s own experience through the therapist
(to have a lot of standing), it’s also a question of learning to
join a high self-esteem of one’s own (just the way you are).
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The
experience to share emotions (sorrow, pleasure, anger, etc.) , it
helps to regain faith in one’s own perceptive faculty.
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The
frequent experience of being able to behave without anger (especially
without expecting devaluation), e.g. going to swim, have a sauna, to
attend a rhetoric course at the adult education class.
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To
learn techniques how to obtain feedback (instead of asking oneself
“what are the others thinking about me?”)
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The
experience to get over frustration, disappointment without thinking
the world might collapse and immediately starting to have suicidal
thoughts (you can’t always be the winner!)
This
is the moment where behavioural therapy might be useful and helpful (such
as mentioned in the anti-shame training) or role plays in order to serve
the self-confidence.
At
the same time it is useful when therapists make an exception showing
themselves more as usual especially by uncovering weakness (in an
exemplary way). The practising of
relation’ s competence ( e.g. role-playing) relieves to neutralise existing isolation and helps to change
behaviour that causes shame (not being able to say no, to demand and to
please everybody). In this way the person affected will be able to learn
not to arouse a sense of shame to the others ( through exposure or
humiliation = countershame). Cognitive Therapy can partially qualify the
religious assumption given to somebody that one have to feel ashamed for
thoughts of one’s own ( even when dreaming). Such an assumption ensures
permanent feeling of being powerless as thoughts are difficult to control
and dreams not at all. At this point it is helpful to recognise that
thoughts are free and that we are being tested on our actions. Cognitive
Therapy can also help to stop illness causing thoughts (what are the
others thinking about me?). Besides it helps to see that one causes its
own hell on earth having unfavourable thoughts and valuations (“I’m
too fat”). Not least one can learn to perceive the world in a realistic
way by bearing in mind that top models pay a high price for having a dream
figure by self-violation and illness causing behaviour.
Different
types of client-centred therapy with sensitive therapists gives you the
chance to present yourself in a stressless way, just the way you are, it
might be the first time you will be able to talk over difficult and
shameful situations concerning the story of your life.
Besides,
it applies to change the ingrained feeling of being helpless. Experiences
and incidents give you the feeling of being effective. A
“normalisation” of great ideals out of someone’s reach prevents you
from comparisons which arouse feelings of shame. Often you have to bear in
mind the relation in terms of social values ( as ideal of beauty, delusion
of youthfulness, sexual potency, the attitude that says: “You are what
you accomplish”, certain ideas about “honour”).
Finally,
it is also important to regain confidence in your body. Not only in this
respect therapeutic exercises might be of tremendous help: sports helps
you to feel your body in a more intensive way, and to interpret symptoms
as “natural feedback” and the increasing feeling of being effective (fitness,
strength, agility).
Finally,
the fact that you enjoy the training as well as relaxation exercises and
artistic therapies make important contributions in order to promote the
perceptive faculty combined with pleasant feelings.
Group
therapy helps especially to overcome senses of shame and to gain social
competence. In this connection you can also practise how to give feedback
to one another in a helpful way and free of devaluation. At the same time
frequent external-observation takes the place of most excessive
self-observation and one may learn to adjust personal feelings with the
others. Intellectual curiosity and the interest to conquer the world may
arise instead of one-sided “self-exploration”. A point of view based
on a family therapy ( family tree studies , “family setting up”)
relieves in terms of family-founded shame: 1. It relieves from the idea
being responsible for a (alleged) peculiarity . 2. It reunites the person
affected by shame with the family and in that
way the person overcomes the feeling of being left out of things; those,
who caused shame or passed it on to another person, develop sympathy as
they recognise that they are just only a cog in the works in a long
history.
Invitations
to sense of humour, games and creative elements may revive delight and
interest which were guarded by shame.
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